Thursday, 14 March 2013

And splat goes the mosquito!

Before I proceed, I must inform you of the following.

a) I love most creatures that make up the animal/bird/bug kingdom. Mosquitoes however are undeserving of my love.

b) This post is graphic. Many, many, many mosquitoes were harmed, tortured or killed during (and prior to) the making of this entry.

Mosquitoes have been a very wretched part of my life since my childhood. I have them to thank for the many, many scars that my otherwise sexy legs are riddled with. I believe they are fond of my blood. Even when standing in a group, they smell me out. They drink large quantities of my blood. They make that znzzznznznnznz noise around my head, yet stay invisible. And once darkness sets in, they are the bane of my life.

I've had enough! And I have now developed a thirst for their blood. Quid pro quo. And therefore this post. Also since I am such a thoughtful personality, always looking to save mankind, I must share tips on HOW TO KILL A MOSQUITO AND ENJOY DOING SO.

Method 1: Grabitty Grab

Grab the mosquito, as you would somebody's shirt collar when you're itching for a fight. One of the 3 things happen.

1) Your timing is a little off and it escapes. No worries.. life usually gives you many second chances. 
2) It gets smashed somewhere in that pretty hand of yours. Oh happiness and joy. 
3) If there is still some flicker of life left in it, hold it by a leg or a wing and pull out every other appendage. For best result, start with the legs and then proceed to the wings. 

Method 2: One tight slap!

Slap it how you would a creepy man or someone you loathe. Here as well, you are presented with two scenarios.

1) While it feasts on you. 
2) While it rests on a flat surface engorged by a mad feeding frenzy; one that has left you with an itch that certainly needs scratching. 

In both cases, it will most certainly leave a mess. But your appetite for destruction will be fed, for a while at least.

Method 3: Fried!

Find that that magical device called the Mosquito Swatter that's available on most city streets for as little as Rs. 150.  They come in bright colours, and if you're really lucky, the one you pick up might even have a mosquito motif on it.  Ensure you charged it well for best effects.

The minute you sense a mosquito invading your airspace, wave it over your head and everywhere else. It's alright if you miss it the first time, the second or the eighth even. The minute it makes contact with the bat, it's truly a treat for the senses. You see that pretty silver spark before you snuff the life out of it, you hear the crackle of it getting fried and an acrid smell fills the air - not really a pleasant one, but one very satisfying.

For a spectacular fireworks display, it would do you good to find a dark room where the mosquito and its mates roost. The kitchen is ideal. Switch on the light and dance away.

Method 4: The Clap

This method works best when you are wearing black and you have a little whirlwind of those infernal creatures flying over your head - open your palms and clap them just above your head. If you happen to make a killing (more than 3 nos mosquitoes with a single clap), wash your hands and then pat yourself on the back.

This also works when the whirlwind is over someone else's head. Two things here - you startle that someone else, but 100% satisfaction guaranteed.

Method 5: Protector of the Universe

When you see a friend in danger, quickly put on your superhero cape. The mosquito is likely to be poised to sit on the aforementioned friend's back or hair (really!). Your hand action should be similar to Tip 2, but much much gentler of course. You wouldn't want to hurt your friend, would you?

Word of advice here - Most people don't understand that they are required to express gratitude to you after this manoeuvre. They usually care only about themselves. They respond with one of the following. "Yuck, that's gross!" or "Oh no, my hair!" But fret not, secretly you know they are grateful. 

So yes, these are some of the ways in which you can save the planet, one (or more) pesky mosquito at a time.  In case you're wondering what brought about this act of selflessness and sharing, it was the Grabitty Grab! 



  1. I like the violence. The urge to kill, I like even more. Especially with that background.

  2. ha ha.. thought the background was quite pretty till you pointed it out.. it now resembles only blood spatter..

  3. Great read. I recommend a 6th style.

    Step 1: Ensure the mosquito lands on one of your veins and is ready to feast.
    Step 2: Block the blood flow to the vein if you have a belt handy "druggy style"
    Step 3: Once the like pecker is trying to get that awesome blood out of your vein, watch as it tries harder with no success
    Step 4: And then just let go of the belt. Watch the guy explode in glorious overflow of "blood"

    - Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

    1. @Vinal: Thanks. Method 6 seems too severe... But what could happen to the mosquito sounds graphic, therefore I like :)

      @KoolDip: That's the point :)